Random musings of a Super Joi!

You get what you wish for

2011-12-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

For my baptism in Singles for Christ a few months ago, we were told to choose the best two gifts we'd like to receive among the gifts of the Holy Spirit, namely Discernment, Faith, Healing, Miracle, Tongues of fire, Interpreting the Tongues, wisdom, knowledge and yeah, forgot the others :P. I didnt think about it much though because I already knew what i needed. So I prayed for Faith and Healing. Faith, because I lack it the most. I constantly worry about how ugly my life would get and I also constantly fear about going through it. Healing, because with all the wounds I have in my life, and how weak is my pain tolerance, I'd like to be able to get back up, and help others heal too through me.

Today, January 1, 2012 I realized that God indeed gave me these gifts. In the most mysterious way: the break up.

Towards the end of my romantic relationship, I tried to establish a good come up with God so that I could catch up with the faith of my partner then. Sure it was uplifting attending worship services and learning about Christianity, but i am aware that I do this halfheartedly. It was superficial. After I've become introduced with the pains of heartbreak, thats the time I run to God for peace and healilng. It was unbearable for me because my partner was also my bestfriend through out college, and actually the first friend I had who really accepted me for who I was. The random cries, the sleepless nights, and the list goes on. All these, I prayed to God. Things did not turn out the way I expected and hoped for, looking back at the process, I couldnt believe that I was able to survive it either. Truly, without the Lord's guidance, I could have been more than lost.

With this experience, I was brought closer to God, the break up opened a space in my heart for a personal relationship with Jesus. Sure it was tedious and painful as so much, but I could say its worth it. Also, with this experience, I learn a few techniques how to overlook pains and anxieties, in other words, I learned how to heal myself. It took a borken heart to receive those two gifts. The process was very unlikely, but if it wasnt for it, I dont think these gifts would be deserved.

God works in mysterious ways. I am thankful I didnt give up soon, or I couldnt have seen God's purpose for that experience in my life. Today, January 1, 2012, I woke up realizing these things just upon opening my eyese. Am i wiser? haha. I dont have a list of new years resolution. I know what I needed and wanted to improve on, and that is to grow in Faith in the Lrd.

Murder

2011-10-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

So this guy in a restaurant walked up and was so nicey nice to my sister. He obviously have attractions towards her. however he was so superficial about it that I couldnt have a decent conversation with my sister so i got really irritated at him.

My atm card was eaten by the machine and i didnt have any funds with me (i even dont have enough money to go home) So i asked a security guard if he knows how i could get my card but he was completely rude and uninterested about helping me.

I was riding a jeepney and paid for the fair, but the driver didnt return my change and my stop is almost there up ahead. I asked him for the change but he replied rudely by saying "oo sandali, narinig kita, maghintay ka lang isasampal ko rin yung pera mo sa mukha mo."

these are some of the occasions i felt like throwing a fit.That i wish lazer beams are real and handy, or that i have super powers like that one where i can move things and just throw something at them. When most people would respond to this situations by throwing a response to prolong the argument, my case is different. When i can usually throw a smart killer retort at them, I rather not let my blood boil and let them succeed in making me uncomfortable, instead;

I shoot them..

In my head.

whenever they have their backs turned, i shoot them with my lazer gun finger, and the gush of imaginary energy towards them just makes me feel really comfortable afterwards. I imagine shooting them with bad karma. hahaha childish yes. Lets just say this is my little way of 'turning the other cheek' plus channeling a little of my bad energy towards them.

Sigh, the perks of being an introvert.

Senior year

2011-10-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Its been a while.

apparently.

I had to check my last post to remind myself when was the last time i was creative (or productive) in writing. I have stopped writing for quite a long time, and no wonder i've been going through some tough stuff now. So now i am here, trying to get back at the old therapeutic habit of random musings in a literature type of rant.

The Queen is back. all hail!

Corruption

2011-05-05T01:41:00.000-07:00

Today, I STOOD AGAINST CORRUPTION.

Two guys came in our house to set up the telephone line and the internet connection. Now days ahead of that, i asked my mother if there is any fee i should pay in case they come, and she said that all fees will reflect in our telephone bill. However one of the repairmen came up to me and told me they'd have to change and add wires because the location of the boarding house is quite far from the main road. So they have extra wire that they will use.... blah blah. My head started to spin so I interrupted him, "so what should i do about that?" He was stunned. then he said something about extra charge, so I started asking more specifically. If i finally get his explanation right, He said he's gonna need to charge me because they will have extra wires... (lets just skip this part.) As i was in the middle of my blur, I had a thought, isnt all these are computed by the PLDT, why the hell should i pay? I only have 50 pesos here, and Dang, he better give me a good reason why should i give it to him. Unfortunately, I found out he's just messing with my intellectual ability. There's no point in paying him after all. Its a scam.

I try to make it my daily habit to stand against corruption, even in little ways. My advocacy started a few days ago (which soon i regret for not noting the date, I didnt know it would be such a significant day in my life) When I paid the fair for the jeepney, but the driver just stared at me for a few seconds, and ignored my signals that i am waiting for my change. It seems normal for everyone, I could even attest to that. My transportation fair from antipolo to lrt station is 18 pesos, but everytime i hand over 20 peso bill, 2 out of 10 chances that i would get my 2 peso change. That has been a regular part of my morning routine. it annoys me yes, but i felt there's nothing i can do about it.

Now i stare at this driver who wont give me my change back. Why is he different from the other drivers (and conductors) that stole a few coins from me? why do i suddenly feel all heated up? Then i remember the talk i heard in the Christian Life Program i am attending at SFC antipolo. "when sin is around us, when wrong doings are done by most people, we become oblivious to it, we shut our eyes and refuse to differ that it is wrong." With that thought entering my mind, I knew that it was time. I played blind all these time.

That's it.

I prayed, and I said,

"Manong, can i get my change, please?"

He stared at me for a while before handing the 1 peso change. i held tightly that 1 peso, that 1 peso that changed my life, changed my ways.

Being a filipino, I am not proud when i say this, the filipino culture is indeed mixed up with the ways of corruption. Its harsh yes, its too straightforward, yes. But how long shall i deny it? I see it happening, I see it everyday in the streets, in school, in tv, everywhere. I am so exposed to it that i even had a hard time identifying if it is a form of corruption. All these time, I thought that 'ah, thats how it should be eh." I dont want to make excuses anymore. Sure i wont become a president of the Philippines to fight corruption, because all these time, I learned that the real power to stop corruption is within the common citizens.

My call to you is,

Let us stop corruption in simple ways. Let us bring back the dignified Filipino culture that we lost a long time ago.
Do not bribe; taking shortcuts by paying fixers, paying that police traffic enforcers, or giving something to your little brother so he wont tell you is a form of bribery. WE all try to bribe so we can skip the long and tedious consequences for us.

follow the due process. This is connected with the first. If we have the will to follow the due process at the first place, we wont even think about bribing. Here's a fact: we are actually creating not shortcuts, but long cuts. If there is no one bribing, all the processes in offices are put in order, no one will try to delay because there would be no point at doing it, when everybody knows that corruption is not tolerated there. soon enough, people will be focusing on making plans on how to speeden the system, rather than coming up with plans how to 'fix' the system caused by the damage of ill ways.

THINK. Who haven't heard the saying "walang maloloko, kung walang papaloko?" Its true. Most people target those people who are easily intimidated. If an aggressor thinks he can make you fold and resolve to abusing you, he'll do it. The repairman who visited my house gave me a very complicated explanation on why he should charge me for the telephone services. I didnt understand him of course, but if i didnt ask him to explain it to me, if i didnt ask every single questionable statement he gave me, he would have fooled me in giving him money. its not expected of us to become more knowledgeable than them, we cant be masters at everything, but showing them you are eager to know all this will alarm them. Remember; they dont expect you to fully understand that they are scamming you, but they dont also expect you to put effort in understanding, so TRY TO UNDERSTAND

! and most importantly, PRAY. It can get very intimidating and scary to stand up against the man. It can cause you humiliation, time, and sometimes even your life. But if you believe in yourself that you can do it, all you have to do is to ask for God's Grace, He will not abandon you for doing what is good. I admit that i am a coward, i am opinionated, but i am the type that keep it to myself, but that time that the jeepney driver tried to intimidate me, I asked for God's grace. "Lord, I am about to ask this big driver to give me my change, please help me move according to what is right, say it properly that i will not hurt him, please give me the courage to do it. amen."

These are my few advices based on my experience. You see, i dont have much. I' have just started my fight against corruption, and yes, i will start small. I will try my very best to commit to it as much as possible. I can feel that the Lord God will not abandon me now that i am in this fight against corruption. What is in it for you, you ask?

The feeling is beyond words. But what i can assure you is that, it feels so good to actually try and do something, rather than just complain and do nothing. its worth a try, I promise.

If a coward like me can do it, why cant you?

Since I have alot of free time

2010-10-21T03:27:00.000-07:00

Social Hibernation begins. I have gone out with friends, its about time I rest my pocket, my phone and myself.

I dont know why i'm such a sloth to go out and see my friends these past few days, maybe its God's way of saying i need a Me-Time.

My boyfriend then, my boyfriend now.

2010-10-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

I cant believe what happened to him.

I've liked him before when he's still big, and now, this is what i get for standing up for him. =D

Gaaah

2010-09-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm supposed to be in class right now but instead i'm here at a computer shop in Dapitan street, consuming my 30 minute internet service. I'm here for two purposes: first is to print the file for our Assessment class that was assigned and sent to me to be printed without informing me, second is go get away from the frustration-causing people. What could you expect from someone who doesn't know? Nothing.

I'm annoyed because school's been really stressful, and dealing with incompetent people adds up to the pressure. Things can always be settled through talks, the problem with my group mates is that they feel they have done so much already, that they expect others to do the tasks left. Instead of sensing-feeling, wouldn't it be easier if you directly tell the person? this is so wasting precious time.

Manila Bus Seige

2010-08-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

~~I'm keeping a copy of this.~~

Everybody was taken by surprise by what happened. I'm done trying to defend the country for what has happened. the ~~"dont blame the whole nation for one man's fault"~~ crap. Because no matter how hard one tries, it will not calm down the angry hearts of HK nationals. They're very brothers were killed in a foreign country where the government is expected to keep them safe. How the Specialized Unit was supposed to rescue them alive because they work best at it. They are so angry at us, at Philippines, at my people, and all we can do is to bow down and accept their taunts. The question is, when will it come to an end? what can be done to end it?
So many what Ifs i have in mind, so many regrets. then i realized, why bother sulk into the things that never happened and never will? I tried to look forward to the future, but all i see is full of negativity. It scares me to move forward. But it scares me more to be stuck where i am forever. I'm scared that the Philippines will be stuck here forever. I'm done feeling sorry for my country. So many times we made the world laugh because of our kapalpakan. All these, i blame to ourselves. What change are we all waiting for to actually start using our minds? When are we gonna start to move forward? Its never the answer to stop and be sentimental for every tumbles we will encounter! after so many centuries, what push do we need to finally move forward?!

DAMN IT!!

Be angry that what happened was embarrassing. Be angry that the whole nation is to be blamed for one man's fault. Be angry that I want change to come from me and see a concrete result. Be angry that I know I cant do it alone. Be angry that I doubt everyone will do the same. Be angry that I am a Filipino.

Be angry that after everything I am still proud to be one.

some random

2010-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Whenever Sir b and I have the chance to talk, we'd exchange questions but most of the time, i'd only get answers like "Good Question/ Good Thinking." At first, it really flattered me. That's coming from a Dr. Balingit, wow. However it learned to satiate me. I need REAL answers to my questions.

Me: Really sir, I'm just curious. and for the record, you havent been answering any of my questions except "good question"

Sir B: because, i know that you'll find your way to answer the questions, and for some of your questions, you are the answer.

..He really knows how to shut people up.

Do I Ever Win against Sir B?

2010-07-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

*Sir B and I were text messaging about how his performance was during the G.A.

Sir B: What was nice about it?

Me: Why does it matter?

Sir B: Questions are supposed to be answered by answers; not another question.

Me: E kayo rin naman po sakin eh..

Sir B: that's because we are on different levels, gods and mortals

*later on...

Me: Do I ever get my turn to ask the questions?

Sir B. Yes.. And that was your turn.

Me: .....

If this wont give you a shock

2010-06-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

Toy Story 3

2010-06-26T07:49:00.001-07:00

Cant sleep

2010-06-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Because its so hot. I cant breath. I'm so tired. I'm so angry.

Its freaking hard to sleep when you're angry.

My first violin concert

2010-06-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

With my fellow Pinoy Violinist at CCP to watch Uto Ughi. It was great! I was in awe the whole time, Master Ughi is perfect in terms of technique and expression.

Rain

2010-05-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

I was awaken by a big thunder, went out of bed as soon as i heard the rain hellos on the roof. Went out at 6 am to play in the rain. Then went back to sleep again.

Photo of the day

2010-05-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

This is impressive. If I didnt know that fitness exercising wasnt invented yet during her time, I would make a fuss on this one.

Sometimes

2010-05-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

Being able to read people aren't so cool. You lay in either both extremes:

Everything becomes predictable, or it becomes a brain twister.

You lose thrill in everything, or you're curious center is activated like hell

You become manipulative, or a laid back and see how things goes.

Haha. I do miss freaking people out with this, but sometimes, I wish I couldn't do this so I would not know.

Imagine that.

Me, wanting not to know. hmmm...

I might not be myself right now.

Photo of the day

2010-05-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

I just love staring at this photo.. No reasons..

Dear God,

2010-05-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

Thank you for providing me enough time to practice for my very first violin recital. Please give me enough confidence, enough that I will not make any impulsive movements. Please store everything in my long term memory because my short term memory is a major fail. Please help me play the pieces correctly, and if ever i will get lost in the middle, help me recover my position discreetly. I ask this to save the embarrassment from my other two players, and to spare my life from the death they'll bestow on me if i mess up. Please bless them both too by the way. Lastly, lease help us enjoy this opportunity and may we all receive your blessings as we perform our best.

St. Thomas, pray for us.

Amen.

2010 election

2010-05-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

It feels good being able to vote. but i didnt know it feels so bad when the person you vote for didnt win. All of your visions of a good governance died with his loss. Gordon and Teodoro are my presidents but i had to vote for the "greater of two goods" Teodoro is a neophyte in politics, but give him 6 more years, he'll be ready. Gordon, my vote wasnt a waste with you. All they can throw at you is that you have popular (not better) opponents, aside that, no other nega criticisms for you. you are good enough. I promised myself i'll be more responsible after i vote. I will have no rights to blabber how unright it is for the elected president to win. I will give Noynoy a chance. It is my duty to do so. I still believe in the Philippines.

P.S.

~~The hell with ERAP voters. Di na natuto. Bwiset!~~

V-v-v-video Chat!

2010-05-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

It was awesome. I missed this girls

True, True.

2010-05-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

Alexander Rybak

2010-05-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

I'll Marry you any day..Honey.. Anyday....

Funny Alex

Serious Alex

Hi!

2010-04-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to say that:

I really try to be a good and trustworthy friend, but it doesnt mean you can push me till my limits. You really dont wanna mess with me right now, I know things.

Okay? Have a nice day!

Some more random quotations

2010-04-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

"ahaha! yess! baka matapakan ko na lang paa mo dun ha! :)) 2 days lang ako sa paris from 26 eh.. my pupuntahan ako out of paris the following day.. :D"

- Pat

Haha! Kainis.. Paris, wala lang.. Paris lang..

Lie

2010-04-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

I just had a big lie today...

darn I feel bad about it..

You can now call me a Big Fat Liar. Hypocrite.

Smile!

2010-04-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

it's a good thing for me. i like people who stand out. who have their own convictions and perspectives. besides ur so frank. u can speak ur mind. and if what u'll say might be somewhat rude, u say it nicely. i don't know how u do it, but there's always meaningful words in whatever u say

-Elaine

Back to Basics

2010-04-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

I'm back to my hometown. Nothing much changed except for the crappy moldy room and more stuffs that are arranged inside the house. I threw out most of my old stuffs, stuffs I no longer value. Another back to basics for me is being far away from any hangout places where i can actually go by myself. Like the old BookSale, NBS, and pretty much the malls. What I like about being back is seeing trees that are actually green.

I have good news, I'll try to be as productive as i can be this summer. I have my to do list all ironed out....tomorrow. One of my agenda is to make a bag from flour sack. not so cool, but yay for me. I will also dedicate myself in practicing the three pieces I will play on our recital on May. May God help me through this... Say no to Procrastination.

Oh by the way, I'm on HOUSE MD marathon.

When there's good news, there's also bad news, or else i wouldnt bother classifying it, I'll just say "hey, I have news!" The bad news is, I'm incredibly pissed with one of my friends. Damn if you read this. Actually, I'd love if you read this, makes you realize that I actually listen. Thats one of my good traits being a gossip girl. So if you got a problem with me, just say it, or mind as well DONT TELL ME YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME AND LEAVE ME HANGING WITH NO REASONS AT ALL.

hmm... on a second thought, maybe thats what she actually wants; to make me think about her. smart....but pathetic. That would usually work with Boys. last time I checked, I'm still a girl. yeah. girl.beat that.

I've been watching House, MD. for the past few days, so dont be suprised i'm extra sarcastic and probably now obnoxious.

Naaah i'm just making excuses.. I'm adjusting to being with people again, and I'm pissed off with someone. a

Interesting..

2010-03-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

How Manny Villar lied and used the death of his brother Danny

Roses are Orange...

2010-03-27T06:52:00.000-07:00

Noe's Farewell LRT days and 1 month late Happy Valentines gift.

Anger impulses

2010-03-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was having a chat with one of my friends this evening. I was trying to send him some files to copy in a CD for me but my sending progress keeps failing. It has been taking us hours so I got so frustrated (plus, no sleep for the past few weeks)

DH: you can do it!!! =D

ME: graaaah! I'm gonna kill the first thing I see that moves!

*Peanut passed my chair with a kangkong in his mouth, paused to stare at me, then hopped away...

ME: (Nevermind...)

=)

2010-03-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how much emotions I feel. Bad, awkward, nasty,unusual emotions. It's good to feel human sometimes.

Smoking is... This

2010-03-13T21:32:00.001-08:00

Mistakes

2010-03-13T05:40:00.000-08:00

The more i stay in my current setting, the more i realize how hurtful i have been to people. I hurt people who didnt even do anything to me. i took people for granted because everyone seems to be doing it.

My external locust of control would say: ~~blame it on peer pressure! you want to belong!~~

My internal locust of control would blame my incompetence to stand up for my own principles. I was a coward.

For the first time, I felt that I dont belong to this setting, I dont like what I am becoming. As I think about it, I dont think the best resort is to leave but rather stay. I am challenging myself to be the person I believe I am despite that I am surrounded by all these bad vibes. From now on, I will actualize my principles, and will be brave to stand up without getting intimidated by my peers. Anyway whatever I do, they ought to judge me anyway.

If you have the courage to hurt people, you must be more courageous to say sorry. - Sir Rocky.

I should start saying sorry to those people. God, please guide me through this.

Dream girls forever

2010-03-11T05:32:00.000-08:00

Hail Hitler!

2010-03-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

Was skimming through my Facebook wall when I found:

Hitler- A god. hmmm

My Uncles, ladies and gentlemen!

Reading this makes me think about the parallelism of the 5 minds of the future + Emmanuel Kant.

Breaking News

2010-03-09T04:41:00.000-08:00

Mom: We're going home this Summer vacation.

Home.

Home..

Home...

... I'm not ready.

PCI

2010-03-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

I replaced the LAN card of our computer today.

I owe it all to JC and

MISS SNAIL.

If it wasnt for MS. SNAIL's annoying-ness/unrelatedness/know-it-all-ness class, I would not know any parts of the hard drive. So yeah. Thanks alot!

I feel so techie right now.

Look up

2010-03-06T00:36:00.000-08:00

This is one of the few people I really look up to.

I pay great respect for this person primarily because he's one of the wisest person I have encountered in life.

He's the living proof that you can never judge a person by how he looks.

Everytime I listen to his lectures, I find myself jaw dropped in awe, or that my forehead is creased.

I really DO THINK in his classes, but I never felt intelligent in his classes. My thinking face is funny, I more look like I'm filled with annoyance, so one day, he approached me and asked:

"Why are you always angry at me?" From that day one, he called me Summer. Joee Summer.

P.S.

No, he hasn't died yet. This is not even a tribute.

Decode

2010-02-22T02:54:00.000-08:00

I bumped into a friends's blog this morning, and I ended up decoding his whole blog for hours. By decoding I mean interpreting. By interpreting i mean putting it in codes I understand. (I dont know why do I keep doing this, its so annoying, I know!) Another thing I have been decoding was my blog template. If you're too blunt to notice, I changed my template (whoopee!) I like to keep it surreal, thank you very much.

So anyway, it has come to my awareness that a couple of my friends do read my humble blog. (After the numerous apologies I received for my birthday, stating they have failed to send me a mail as to my request) For that I thank you. I also thank who have managed to send me mails, especially those who have placed extra effort in it. Thank you so much. I'm overly flattered.

Please enjoy this photo as sign of my appreciation:

Blagging

2010-02-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

Blogging + Lagging = BLAGGING! get it? get it?

... Fine.

Lagging behind is one of the things that scares me the most. Like what's happening in school right now. I've been lagging behind in different aspects. But I wish not to discuss about it anymore, anyway in my blog, its always about moderation. I'm just about in the right time here.

For the past few days I've been killing my systems going in and out of the house, by systems i mean my schedule. By schedule i mean the premade plans i came up several days ago to maximize my time, especially my after schools. I managed to make use of every minute well, atleast as i have planned in my schedule. But plans are meant to be broken, sometimes. Well in my case, all the time.

Oho would you look at that, I have also been lagging behind my schedule, great.

why-

2010-02-13T05:12:00.001-08:00

is my blog layout messed up?

are my friends so boggled?

do I care too much?

Best Birthday Message?

2010-02-04T01:05:00.001-08:00

Because you're important to us... We wouldn't let the day go by without wishing you a Happy Birthday!

- from your Sun Xpress Load Family

All i want for my birthday is

2010-01-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

to receive Snail Mail. Postal mail, those mail that you send in post office with stamps. Oo kung ano pa man tawag dun. I love sending them out once in a while, but i also kinda missed receiving some. we have mail box here in manila and i have never received anything for myself (sayang naman kasi, first time namin makaexperience magkamail box di ko naman mapakinabangan. hoho)

so my question is,

How do I ask for them without looking pathetic and desperate? I dont wanna ask for them, i want to receive them 'in surprise'. hahaha My blog is visited by what? 2 or 3 of my friends? awesome. I will be expecting from you two okay? :) okay thanks.

nah.. just kidding.

but seriously.

joke! haha.. hay...

no really.

Manila in the 60s

2010-01-11T02:34:00.000-08:00

The previous generation was so selfish, if it wasnt for them, we could have been experiencing the same awesome Manila.

Intramuros

I'm not sure, but I think its Ayala Avenue

Rizal Avenue without LRT

Sta Cruz Church

Roxas boulevard. look at that blue giant, darn

Pasig river near Delta

Escolta

escolta

Jones bridge going to Binondo

So vintage, so Beautiful.

ReligionWars

2010-01-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

I still cant let go of the grudge despite that i have confided this to my mother already.

How come most Protestants always never miss an opportunity to hurt Catholics? why just us? I still dont get it why others think Catholics are less faithful that them. Its a matter of Faith and works, some Catholics may not be praying all the time because they also devote to good works, some, well, they just take it for granted (since its the religion that is passed on though generations) but it cant always be superficial. I came to visit this thread in a message board where i regularly visit. The topic was about Catholicism and Born Again. I was engrossed with how their discussion intensified, because there, its the other way around, my team is winning. the BAs are losing against RCs.

But i the enthusiasm i felt was like orgasm (not that i would know, i was told so), It lasted only seconds. I realized that to put my 'enemy' in the same position i was before was not fulfilling. I was looked down several times because of my beliefs, I get angry, but throwing the same brick that they threw at me never makes me feel better. I had a split second thought, what am I doing? why am i so engrossed with the indifferences of people, when I longed to find unity among us?

(erased this part, too opinionated)

I am a Catholic Christian I was redeemed in my infancy, but as i grow up, i realized that to be with God is to make my faith affect my environment through good works. To be with my ultimate end, I must make my life worth living. Its simply the way i praise God, Pray, and make the most of his gift to me, my life.

So from now on, I shall empower my value of respect. Even if people cannot give the same treatment that i gave them, I will be at my most humility. I do not become a better Christian if I can present the best argument. I become a better Christian when I live my life Christ-like.

Reality check.

2009-12-28T02:37:00.000-08:00

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not a problem. I am not weak.

I try to put myself in others' and look at myself when i get the attacks, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm such a burden to others.

My family would say not. Others wouldn't answer.

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

I feel so weak when i get them, I get so scared everytime.

although i feel that I am winning over some of my symptoms, I always get a new one. I get much more scared.

I have anxiety. I get panic attacks.

I dread that I will have to endure it for the rest of my life.

I fear that it will ruin me. I fear that i wont be good enough to be with anyone.

So i have anxiety. So I get panic attacks.

although I develop more symptoms, i learn to over come them even it takes time.

although it keeps coming back after some period of time, it still goes away somehow.

Like what I have been told, its like a memory. It will depend on how i will deal with it; i can conceal it, forget it, or remember it. But it will always be there.

So I have anxiety. So I get panic attacks.

I will encounter more problems that will make life more difficult for me. I'm holding on to my faith. I will survive because I am a child of God. He will always have my back. Thank you God, for making me like this. I feel stronger.

Maybe I can say these things because i dont feel it now. I dont have to upset myself all the time because i get those emotions once in a while.

I can be happy.

Lif is too damn short to be depressed all the time.

I'm gonna live it well.

Last message

2009-12-11T06:41:00.001-08:00

We're praying for you.

='(

I think I lost my virginity with this book

2009-11-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

Joke.
But that statement would be enough to describe my review for this one. Gabriel was task to guard and protect the earth but he lost control and thus became FALLEN. Fallen angel, demon, what ever you call it, he was cursed that he had to endure eternally. Every woman whom he touches feels deeply addicted to her, and later will endure unfortunate deaths. Sara Michaels, a forensic scientist decided to work with Gabriel to solve the mystery of her mother's brutal murder case. They both felt it that they ought to be together but the problem is, they just cant or she welcomes a tragic tomorrow.

That would be the lightest possible review i'll ever give. I dont want to spoil the details because its a damn, horrific, romantic, lustful, exciting (in a bad way, cause you know, murder is everywhere) and addicting book.

P.S. Rated 18.

Bittersweet because of Mr. Az

2009-11-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

Jason Mraz. Muh-raz. He is pure talent. Mind you, he's one of the very few artist I know that sings better in LIVE. It has been my long time wish to see him perform live, (and maybe do a duet of Lucky with him)

But unfortunately, my dream was shattered by Danielle Suzuki. Check this video out. Its Jason Mraz's performance at Brazil. He did great, he sang so sweetly. But boy it made me feel so bitter.

Seriously watch it.

I so want to trade places with this lucky basta-, I mean Lucky lady. Look, I even screencapped it.

Makatingin naman oh!

Oh well, it seems that I'll always be singing my love song until I die.

"Cause he will never love me
He will never care.
How I wish he could see.
but just a fantasy i'll never share."

So popular

2009-11-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

One regular day last semester. My friends and I were discussing about body types.

Chelsea: ang pangit kaya ng super payat! urgh..

Me: *chuckles. so ayaw mo kay Kim Chiu?

Chelsea: Anong section niya?

.
..
...
(the stare.)

Haha. I'll never get over this..

Hongkongwaaa..

2009-11-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

My first time to leave the country.

HONGKONG Baybeh!

It was really fun, but the trip was a secret, so I'm restrained from posting pictures on FB, Multiply, and anywhere my relatives would see. But since my blog is half private, half public (haha) i'll post some here.

It is a very nice place, the environment is healthy, the people are much more disciplined, and what amazed me, very organized. I admit I got intimidated at first (or maybe the whole trip itself) because I imagined living in such place, but I wont trade it for Philippines. Philippines have stars at night, that's priceless.

By the way, i achieved an aspiration!!!

I JUMPED ON A HOTEL BED!!!!! Haha. i guess i can scratch that one from my list.

Thats all for now, Lutang pa ako sa dami ng naiwang gawain. For the mean time, enjoy this photo of my new lovehh...

What's up Beaufriend?!

Aspirations

2009-10-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

They keep us going. No matter how hard our lives has become, we still choose to go on because we know something awaits us at the end.

Apart from my wish list i created for the coming holidays, I decided to list down 10 aspirations that has been keeping me up unconsciously.

1. Play Ave Maria (Schubert) with a potential guy who plays the violin like me.
2. Do a feel-good-dance In the streets while listening to my music player.
3. Play the role of Jemima in a Cats musical.
4. Meet a french native and apply the basic french i learned.
5. Jump on a hotel bed.
6. Stargaze a sky full of stars. FULL OF STARS. (simple? nah.. its quite impossible these days)
7. Eat a good cake all to myself.
8. Do a one-time-wonder hit song.
9. Have someone to dedicate/play a song in the piano for me.
10. Be able to play a violin piece perfectly with emotions.

I tried not to put education/profession related aspirations, it makes me feel too serious. When it becomes serious, it shall be called Goals.

for the time being, i dont see any of those coming to reality.

If exams are these bull...

2009-10-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

hail imagination

So you believe in FAIRY TALES?

2009-10-03T07:39:00.001-07:00

Desperate Housewives??

'09

2009-09-29T20:56:00.001-07:00

Tough year, 2009.

Super Hero

2009-09-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Shaunne: that's what i'm thinkin, I'll help muna sa friends ko! =) and goal ko today, i'llhelp the country, by voting.. so paparehistro ako ngayon =)

-Shaunne's text message after her dad did not allow her to volunteer at Red Cross.

Pex Violinists @ UP

2009-09-23T01:52:00.000-07:00

Awesome day Monday. The violin community from PinoyExchange had this "practice assembly" at UPD. Man, they're good. Although I wasnt able to play with them most of the time, I really had fun. Met new people, learned new techniques, made friends, played music together, it was AWESOME.

After lunch, nagviolin lessons ako, unfortunately, I DID BAD. Either I was too conscious or the environment was 'hostile'. haha Wont admit that I wasnt good enough, I practiced e! (ego mo, joi!)
The picture tells the story. See, nakapamewang teacher ko. hahaha

Scrutiny=Scrunity

2009-09-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

I consumed all the pages of my private diary. My emotion tank is filled today, so I'll have to talk personal.

I have been awfully drained today after the open forum (OPLAN 2SPED1 RESTORATION). Listening to all the complaints of my blockmates and not hearing any resolution really ticked me off. It made me very irritable; I get really annoyed with my friends under little-est things!

Ok, so I got irritable. Moving on.. My Sped3 class's current lesson is really interesting. Anxiety Disorders. I dont know, but as I learn more about it, the symptoms, the classifications, I keep assessing myself, and if I'd let the paranoid joi in, I'd say I have more or less Generalized Anxiety disorder, separation disorder, social phobia, Agoraphobia, and panic disorder. haha naah.. I'd be lying if I say I dont want to find out my real condition, but I might sound that I'm claiming I have a disorder. I might decide to get myself assessed one of these days. However I am sure that no matter the condition I will be diagnosed as, I'm still positive I'd get over it. Everybody says they have seen the improvements I had, and I must say I do to. I am better than before. The only thing that hasnt changed is how I looked at myself. I really want to feel good about myself, I just dont know how.

And lastly, my professor said something that hurt me in the inside, she questioned my competency to be a Special Education teacher. To be honest, the only criteria to be in this profession is to want to be here, and the rest will follow. I can improve. I can overcome my incompetencies, but I'm still here in this program. Although I am not sure if I can find the piece in myself to believe that I can do it. God has a reason why He lead me to this path, so I believe in Him.

"God, I dont understand you, but I believe You."

So much for a very tiring day..

I really need a diary.

FB

2009-09-14T02:18:00.000-07:00

texting with Areg last week.

Joi: Reg! reg! dali! buksan mo FB mo!

Areg: Huh? Alin, Friendster o Facebook?

Joi: . . . Go Figure.

The wedding march

2009-09-12T05:53:00.000-07:00

I look into your eyes as it reveals the intensity of your happiness as you look my way. I crack a smile that later turns into a huge grin, as my eyes start to be filled with tears. Memories started flashing in my head; I have loved you ever for so many years before you even loved me. I love you when you dissolve the sadness every time you pull me close to you. I hate the way you laugh when I look like an idiot every time you sweep me off. My feelings were so intense, but I was good in concealing it inside me. As I walk this commitment aisle inside the house of God, I cannot see the blue roses arranged everywhere, the long white satin that leads me to you, the prettiest white gown I have ever worn, all these are invisible, I can only see you.

I start to think about us once more; I have loved you ever since, but you loved her. I cannot force myself to be angry for you are not supposed to return the favor to me. You have loved her so much that it hurts to love you. I tried to forget, but I always end up going back to loving you. I knoew i had to do something, I had to tell you. I was so scared that you wouldn't take me. We have been best friends and I was scared to lose everything I have with you, most especially your trust. But I was brave to risk it all, I cannot forget the smile you gave away after I uttered "I love you, please stay with me." I knew it was a happy ending.

I snapped back to reality as I draw near you. I want to run and put my arms around you. I force a big smile to control the raging emotion I have inside. My cheeks push my welling eyes forcing tears to pour. I close my eyes as I turn left, making way for her; the one you chose, your bride.

911

2009-09-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

remembering the terrorism that disturbed my innocence.

Do this:

Open MS Word
Type Q33 NY in upper case. This is the flight number of one of the plane to hit th World Trade centers.
Change font size to 48
Lastly,
Chang the font to WINDINGS.

Jawdropped.

Too many options, less simplicity

2009-09-06T06:26:00.000-07:00

That's what I've learned today during the off campus trip for NSTP. Our CWTS class's site was at Sta. Rosa, Bamban Tarlac. The residents of the community is mostly (or entirely) Aetas, and the odd funny thing is, most of the family there are Sanchez (not really a mind puzzle eh?) The location, looks more likely the remote sites in Antipolo we used to visit in my highschool. Going back to the topic, So while we were there, our task was to do a profiling of the community. The evaluation will be used for the off campus trips next semester. We made a community map, the class is divided into groups. It was okay, we got to get around the community and ask people. What I noticed is that the most of the people there are not able to answer direct questions. Might be a language barrier issue, but this really helped me formulate a very important realization.

The whole time i was there, I was jealous of the simplicity of the lives of people there. The eternity of their lives revolves in their community. Far from everything unnatural, just, very very simple. Also, it made me develop this guilt of having a life "better" than them. But actually, I dont. Like what I said, they have one thing I wish I had; Simple life. What do I have to give up to get one? Will it be worth it?

My life may not be as satisfying as I want it to become, well, like anyone really HAS that. Like what I always say, for every choice comes a consequence. I may not have the simplest living, but I am more open to options, to knowledge, to experience. Then I thought, what I have now is not so bad after all.

oh, i get to seat with our instructor, hehe ALL the girls were so jealous. I dont even like Mr. Valenzuela, but I like the girls' reactions. haha. mean.

2009-09-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Photo of the day:

definitely made my day.

Photo taken by Axirt

Pen-pen desarapen

2009-09-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry I suck with titles.

I have a couple of story plots in my mind and get fidgety when I think about writing them. However I cant, my old unfinished stories are haunting me, and I cant get away with the guilt feeling. I promised I will give a justified ending to those treasures, know the feeling that you just want to bring out the best in something that you are not willing to let go? yeah its like that.

Its not that I write MINDBLAAASTING( for Russell Peters' fans only) stories, actually I rather write odd pieces.

I wrote about a story writer writing her story.
about dog food.
about magical kingdom with 4 teenagers stuck in it. (hehehe..)
about pirates.

Yeah, its not something a regular person would read (admirers:zero) they are just simply results of my imagination. Odd maybe, but one essential element of my works; romance. it always must have a touch of romance, maybe because i'm a romantic? =)) nah..

One of these days I'll be picking my up my super pen. till then, bear with my sanity.

Rehistrado ka na ba?

2009-09-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Rehistrado ka na ba?

Ako hindi pa.

Sa di malamang kadahilanan, sa tuwing nagpaplano ako na umuwi sa Antipolo para makapagparehistro, palaging hindi natutuloy. Nauubusan na ko ng panahon, singaw na pilipino padin ako.

Esca-peh

2009-09-01T03:45:00.000-07:00

There is really no such thing, well at least for me. I can get away alright, but it will always haunt me.

Deteriorating

2009-08-30T04:01:00.000-07:00

It feels good to be back to blogger. I felt the need to make a personal blog for many reasons. First, I have to work on my expressions, second, I feel that my mind is simply deteriorating, I feel it. Ever since I stopped kissing books, or writing stories, or anything that makes my brain actually work its executive functions, I felt how it limited my abilities. I kept embarrassing myself infront of people when i babble, when I dont make it to the point, or simple cannot get ideas out of my head. Its torture dude, take it from someone who used to be a know-it-all like. This shall serve as a training ground for me.

So the prodigal daughter returns. lol.